In North Carolina, using an alternative dispute resolution process is mandated by law for any case involving the distribution or division of marital and divisible property. Most people choose Mediation as their method of alternative dispute resolution because the process itself allows the spouses to remain in control of the outcome.
When going to Mediation, there are best practices that need to be considered when preparing and conducting the Mediation process. Here is a list of things you should NOT do in Mediation if your goal is amicable resolution of the pending legal matters:
- Do NOT interrupt others, including the Mediator, the opposing party, or your own attorney. Even if you disagree, do not interrupt. Let others speak; you will get the same opportunity.
- Do NOT get defensive or aggressive. Stay calm. Avoid yelling, blaming, or using hostile body language. This all may take some practice; but believe me, you will be surprised at how much better off you feel if you can remain focused without being defensive or aggressive during the Mediation. Take a deep breath instead.
- Do NOT lie or hide information. Dishonesty always damages trust and can actually ruin any progress that is being made during Mediation. More importantly, by lying or hiding information, you are creating obstacles against your own interests that could result in a stranger taking over control of your decision-making authority, more specifically a Judge.
- Do NOT refuse to listen. Active listening shows respect. Active listening also helps you understand the other person’s needs and the input of the Mediator or your attorney.
- Do NOT dismiss the Mediator. The Mediator is there to help you, to progress the situation toward an amicable resolution, and to create an even-playing field for the input of both parties. Undermining the Mediator can only hurt the process and your own interests.
- Do NOT be unprepared. Know what you want before you get to Mediation; bring key documents and be able to explain your position or desires.
- Do NOT commit to a “take it or leave it” stance. Mediation is about flexibility – ultimatums usually shut down negotiations and ultimately shut down the ability to pursue exactly what you want.
- Do NOT call it “quits” on a position just to end the Mediation process. Never agree to something you cannot live with just to be done. Ask for time to think or to get advice even if that means the Mediation is delayed or rescheduled to another date and time.
- Do NOT break confidentiality. Sharing information outside of the mediation can backfire. Try not to share, even if no one can mandate you to keep quiet. Remember even well-intentioned friends and family members truly do not know the details of what is going on, nor should they; they are your safe space, not your legal advocates.
- Do NOT expect to “win.” Mediation is about compromise – not about winning or losing. It is about finding a solution that works for both sides, a solution that works best for any children and other family member involved, and a solution that allows you to put your head on the pillow at night without further sleepless nights due to litigation concerns.
You know you, and you know your triggers. It is important to be your best self at Mediation, and you are the only person you can control. If you can remain calm, and open, you will learn a lot about yourself and the opposing side. Hopefully, such clarity and calm attitudes will allow you to find an amicable resolution for the issues of the past so that you can start your next chapter on the right footing.
If you or somebody you know is headed toward Mediation to resolve their family law disputes, our Mediation team at Modern Legal is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my mediation and legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney or mediator regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Written by: Mediator Deborah L. Dilman