Mediation is about collaboration, preparation, and trust. When done right, it can save time, money, and emotional energy. But when done poorly—or sabotaged, even unintentionally—it becomes just another stressful, unproductive day.

Whether you are a client or an attorney, here’s how mediation gets derailed—and how to keep your case on track.

1. Dropping Bombshells Last Minute

Bringing in surprise claims, new evidence, or previously uninvolved people on the day of mediation is a fast way to lose trust. These curveballs may feel strategic, but they often:

  • Blow up any structured agenda
  • Signal bad faith
  • Put the other side on the defensive

Pro Tip: If it is important enough to bring to the table, it is important enough to share ahead of time.

2. Tying the Mediator’s Hands

A mediator is not a passive note-taker— they are your guide through difficult terrain. But they cannot help you if you:

  • Block the mediator from speaking about details to move the discussion along
  • Refuse to share background info from the outset 
  • Treat the mediator like a referee instead of a problem-solver

Solution: Empower your mediator. Give them the context, space, and trust to help you find creative and practical solutions.

3. Letting Emotions Run the Show

Yes, this is personal. But if you show up to vent, blame, or posture like it is a courtroom battle, you are not helping your own case.

Tactics that sabotage mediation include:

  • Trading insults
  • Refusing to budge
  • Seeing the process as a chance to “win” instead of resolve by an amicable resolution

Reality check: Resolution requires flexibility and focus on the future, not rehashing the past. It’s okay not to be okay, but it’s not okay to sabotage what is best for your own situation. 

4. Not Having Decision-Makers at the Table

Mediation needs real-time momentum. If someone has to call their sister, wait for a business partner, or get approval from someone off-site, the process grinds to a halt.

And when that happens?

  • The other side may stop trusting your ability to commit
  • Offers on the table may disappear
  • You risk losing the window for progress

Tip: Be ready to make the hard decisions—or don’t mediate until you can.

5. Overlawyering the Process

Legal support is important. But when lawyers:

  • Dominate the conversation
  • Argue every technicality
  • Dismiss non-traditional solutions

…it starts to feel less like mediation and more like a pre-trial battle. This is especially harmful when the other side does not have a lawyer—it can feel intimidating, and worse, it may silence your own voice in the process.

Reminder: Your attorney should be a guide, not a gatekeeper. This is your life—your voice matters.

How to Set Mediation Up for Success

Avoiding sabotage starts with intention and preparation. Here’s what helps:

  • Share materials early—no surprises
  • Set expectations clearly, but give your mediator room to work
  • Prepare emotionally—leave the drama at the door
  • Focus on interests, not positions—what do you really need?
  • Encourage honest, respectful communication
  • Make sure you are ready and empowered to make key decisions and commitments 
  • Speak for yourself when appropriate—your perspective matters

Mediation can be a powerful tool—but only if everyone at the table is genuinely committed to resolution.

So ask yourself: Do you actually want to mediate—or are you just going through the motions? If you are ready to work toward peace instead of playing for power, the results might surprise you.

If you or somebody you know is headed toward Mediation to resolve their family law disputes, our Mediation team at Modern Legal is here to help.

Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my mediation and legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney or mediator regarding the specific laws in their state or country. 

Written by: Mediator Deborah L. Dilman