While using someone familiar to you in times of emotional turmoil and frustration gives you a level of comfort, most family members and spiritual leaders are not trained to navigate the sensitive, emotional, and legal issues about your situation as you separate from your partner or divorce.
Most of us would desire to involve a trusted family member or spiritual leader in a family issue, especially because that person may create an environment of relatability, safety, and support during conflict resolution. Having this type of person in your support system will provide comfort and emotional safety; however, said person is not necessarily a neutral nor are they likely trained in mediation tools. Additionally, in order for the tools of mediation to have any chance of working, the “mediator” should be someone who is completely neutral and does not have a history with either partner or the situation.
Certified Mediators are professionally trained to provide empathy while remaining completely impartial toward the partners and the circumstances. Often, family members or spiritual leaders may have personal feelings or biases that can unintentionally affect the process. These third parties often face additional challenges in remaining neutral, especially if they have strong relationships with either or both of the parties or if they have the goal of “saving the relationship” at all costs. In my experience, a mediation conducted by a family member or spiritual leader are often characterized with notable misunderstandings or feelings of unfairness during the process. These unintentional effects can harm the resolution process and may leave a partner with a negative perspective on mediation and its tools.
An alternative to consider would be to ask a trusted family member or spiritual leader to attend mediation with you, and the mediation be conducted with a Certified Mediator. Having a trusted person with you provides you with some guidance while the mediator maintains a balanced and neutral process. This is often very helpful to the mediation process.
The mediator’s main role is to listen to all parties, to ensure open and honest communication, and to assist both sides with reaching a reasonable resolution without taking sides. Mediators are trained to facilitate fair and respectful discussions, even if emotions are running high and the issues are complex.
If you want to have a trusted family member or spiritual leader with you during mediation, you will want to let the mediator know what role that person will play during the mediation process – are they going to be active participants with you? observers only? or simply emotional support? If you want them to actively participate, they will need to understand their participation must remain neutral, just like the mediator. Even so, these trusted third parties whom have the best intentions may add undue pressure, emotional intensity, and advice not really helpful to the mediation process. The mediator may even suggest having a private conversation with your trusted family member or spiritual leader to make sure roles are understood. Finally, if you bring someone for support, it is critical for that person to create a safe space for you by respecting confidentiality and privacy. This protects the integrity of the mediation.
Remember, it is your mediation; but for the mediation to be effective, you should rely on a professionally-trained certified mediator to guide the mediation process. Your trusted family member or spiritual leader can provide the care and support you need during the process as well. They can be very helpful to the mediator and the process so long as appropriate boundaries are set from the beginning.
If you or somebody you know is headed toward Mediation to resolve their family law disputes, our Mediation team at Modern Legal is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my mediation and legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney or mediator regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Written by: Mediator Deborah L. Dilman