Preparing for mediation is one of the most important steps to ensure the mediation process is productive and that you walk in feeling confident and clear-headed.
Step 1: Know what you want. Dig deep and understand what you want your ideal outcome to be, but also understand what your bottom line would be. Ask yourself what things you are willing to compromise and what things are deal breakers for you and your family. Be serious about what matters most to you – and that is not always money. What matters most to you could be an apology, an acknowledgement, or even assurances about future behavior.
Step 2: Organize and bring documents with you to mediation that you believe support your case or clarifies a particular situation. Maybe bring a timeline or previous informal agreements, especially if these pieces of information can help you clarify your situation to the Mediator. Clarity is key when attempting to resolve so many issues in such a short time with a person you have just met – the mediator.
Step 3: Write down all of the specific issues or topics you think need to be resolved. This “go-to” list helps you maintain focus throughout the mediation process, and to not allow anything to fall through the cracks. By prioritizing the most important topics for mediation, you can control how the attention is directed during the mediation session. More importantly, you will leave mediation validated and heard.
Step 4: “Walk in the Shoes” of the Other Side (or at least try). It may sound odd to you, but also try to understand the other side. What does that person or opposing side want or need to get this resolved. Not only consider your concerns and fears, but what are the possible concerns and fears of the other side. If you can consider the perspective of the other side, you can strategize unique solutions that will work for both sides.
Successful mediation requires really hearing the other side, not just waiting to give a response to what is being said.
Active listening can reveal solutions you had not even considered. Approach mediation with an open mind. Mediation is most successful when both sides are willing to talk, listen, and explore creative solutions. Be open to unexpected compromises or win-win outcomes.
Step 5: Understand what happens if you are unable to reach a resolution – this is what we call the BATNA: the Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. Knowing the alternative to an amicable resolution gives you clarity on how far you are willing to negotiate. Think long term. When negotiating, ask yourself whether the proposal presented to you will work for you six months or a year from now, or even longer. Remember to avoid short-term fixes that create long-term problems.
During the mediation, be gentle with yourself. Conflict can stir up anger, frustration, or even sadness. Practice staying calm, listening actively, and taking breaks if needed. The mediator will encourage breaks if he/she sees emotions are flaring up. And remember, mediation is not about “winning” but finding a solution that works – what will let you put your head on the pillow and sleep at night.
If you or somebody you know is headed toward Mediation to resolve their family law disputes, our Mediation team at Modern Legal is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my mediation and legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney or mediator regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Written by: Mediator Deborah L. Dilman